"will the personal appeal work for people I don't know, or only friends and family?"

I doubt it, sorry.
Suggest you take a look at some of the pitches on that site that already have gotten more funding than they're after.

Your budget seems very low too, one person for a year to do rigging, whose doing the rest of the work?

Don't get me wrong, I'm blown away by what you've got so far but I only watched your pitch to the end because it was a fellow Vegas user and the best bit was at the end.
I think it'd help to have a short piece of what the final look will be as well. I haven't a clue from your pitch what kind of animation you're looking it do.

Bob.

Bob-

Thanks for the response/advice. I'm going to be changing the pitch in about 20 days. I gather that you'd like to see some of the music up front before the doc style stuff?

As for the budget-- it IS very low and that's why I'm so excited to have found talented people willing to work on the movie. We're going to be able to hire the character designer/rigger AND the animators if we make our goal. . . though obviously a larger budget wouldn't hurt!

As for the final animation look... that's a toughy because that's what the money is for... would more sketches to music help bet you interested? Should I put what was at the end in the beginning?

YES to all of your questions.

"As for the final animation look... that's a toughy because that's what the money is for"

Yes, that's a BIG issue. The sketches look fantasic but translating a sketch into a moving character is no simple task and animation covers so many diverse techniques today. I'd suggest looking at a lot of prior work and referencing that. Howl's Moving Castle came into my head looking at your pitch.

So, the money is basically seed money, is that the deal. You want enough to put a teaser together and then seek funding from a distributor. From my peering at the industry from the sidelines underfunding is the biggest single cause of failure. It's one thing for people to offer their services for free, keeping them is a big problem and one I'm in the thick of at the moment. What happens when / if your animator gets offered a real job?

Bob.

Listen to Bob
Listen to Bob
Listen to Bob!

also - (and this is a VERY subjective take on it)
1 - promo is definitely too long 1 to 2 minutes at most
2 - for my taste it's just too "down home" in your presentation - while garage band stories are wonderful to read, they essentially work AFTER the project is completed and successful. Personally, I'd write a script that totally ignores your journey, and concentrate on why it's a great investment.
3 - I'd take all the money you have raised and make a 30 second finished demo of the movie itself - as close to "big-screen" as you can get. (I have no idea how much time it takes to produce 30 seconds of finished animation, nor what it costs. I do know that no professional investor will give you any kind of bucks without proof of completion, i.e., a look at the finished film.
4 - and finally, I'd spend some time right now, researching how you will distribute your movie. How are you going to make back your investor's money? It will NOT get easier to raise distribution and marketing bucks after it's completed. Don't ask me why, but it's always easier to sell a script than a finished film.

Anyone who has ever attended my lectures or seen my "how-to" videos knows that I'm all about making money for my investors and clients.
Remember it's Show BUSINESS - no business - no show.

I wish you all a lot of luck with this incredible project. Don't give up. But make a realistic plan of attack.
Tell me is nice - show me is better.
Good luck!

The song at the end is very nice. Make a full animation short to go with that song, with the same looks, emotions, excitement, etc, that you would like the final film to be. Make it short but powerful. When the final note of the song is about to end, you appear on screen and do a 30 second pitch.

A few points to hit in the pitch: what the viewers see is a part of a wonderful story; you have partners who see the potential of this movie that they are willing to do it at a fraction of ususal costs, and there are already many(how many?) who already contributed (say thanks) and you need more viewers' contribution to get it off the ground, etc.

Bob & Vic--

Thanks so much for the crit! The good news is that if we raise the money it will allow us to hang on to our talent until completion of project.

Stay tuned for my updated pitch in few weeks!

CChoy -

We WANT you to succeed (and have helped many before you do just that).
We WANT to help you - and we will.

We are all waiting for your next step... keep us in the loop

v
ps - my schedule only allows me sporadic visits to my favorite site (here) - you are welcome to communicate with me directly to remind me to look at the Vegas communication (so that the entire thread remains public and a source of information for all)

vicmilt (at) VictorMilt.com

Animation is a topic I happen to know a lot about. There is no way you can raise any money to make a feature film without a long and successful track record in the animation business. This is one field that requires decades of hard work, thousands of hours of practice, endurance and discipline to stick to what you started, honed talent, acquired technical skills specific only to the production of animated films before you can expect anyone to see you as a worthy risk. To come up with a good story comes towards the end of that lonely journey, not at the outset.

Why don't you put it on YouTube and see what people REALLY think?

Hey Paul--

I've got some experience in animation-- enough to know how hard it is. From your post I gather you're saying something like "Look kid, you're never going to make it, why bother." Which leads me to believe that I should spiffy up my pitch a little. What specifically would you like to see different-- other than of course being an ex-Disney guy or something (cause I'm not!)

BudWzr--

I wonder if anybody would find the pitch on YouTube, but that's not a bad idea at all. Should I refine it first and then post or should I just post now for initial reaction?
Thanks!