JackW, thanks very much for taking the time to watch the clip and make such great suggestions.

You're right, there was no real attempt to tell a story, which is of course a BIG failing on my part. It was more a smorgasbord approach, which may be OK for people who like to "nibble" but isn't so great for people who want to sink their teeth into a "good meal," so to speak.

I'm going to re-edit the piece as you suggest. I'll show both to deShan and let her pick, but I suspect she'll prefer your version!

You're right, she's a neat lady. Despite the "girlie-girl" nature of the clip, she's got a good head on her shoulders and works hard at her art. (I neglected to show her abstract paintings, so I may add a shot in the updated edit.)

Again, I appreciate your suggestions and I'll let you know when the new edit is posted.

Let's see. Nice rack. Drink less coffee if you want to do hand held. And, did I mention nice rack.

Beerandchips, no caffeine. Australian wine. Maybe that was the problem, or perhaps it would have been a solution another 2 or 3 glasses in...

Did you mean "rack FOCUS?" <g>

Jack W., I've posted an alternate version based largely on your suggestions.

I like it much better. Thanks again for the tips!

http://www.possibilityx.com/video%20files/deshan.htm

---John

Overall nice, and yea, the woman is hot. But what is the counting for ? I don't get it, and if I don't get it that can't be good. Beyond not getting it the haphazard placing of the counts drove me nuts, I'd suggest you establish a rhythm to it or bail it all together. The second was defiantly better than the first, but to be picky, I didn't see the new music fitting either. Worked much better than the original but didn't get the Spanish tie in.

Take it all with a grain of salt, one mans humble opinion and don't loose your vision based on mine or anyone else's critiques.

Best;

- Ray

www.undergroundplanet.com

What are you trying to say with the video ? Are you selling the artist, I'm not sure what it is trying to do.
Like Mutt the counting ,I just dont get it , whats it mean ? Nice rack is an understatement, but what is the goal of the video , explain that and then i think you will get some great advice from people smarter than me.

Nice to see some Aussie talent!
But yes, the countdown is cool but it'd be nice to have
a) something happening on the counts
b) counting down to something, I was waiting for the tempo change.

If you want to get good shots in a gallery I'd highly recommend the Spider Dolly from Losmandy. This thing uses flexible tracks that you can snake through a galley for rock steady repeatable shots. Also a lot of those shots looked like they needed some more lighting.

Bob.

Thanks for sharing.
I thought the first version had more "tension", was more sequential as a look at the dog pics and the artist. Some shots like the dog book and the brushes were held too long.

The second was confusing - the flamenco guitar had rhythm but the cutting did not. The countdown led nowhere, and ...I know they're hard to ignore, but is the video about the pictures or the breasts?

Thanks everyone for taking a look and offering great food for thought.

Ray and Winrock, you’re right about the counting. It was meant as a reference for those who know deShan’s latest work, in which she paints numbers into her paintings----but even for those in the know, that’s a bit too obscure a reference. So I’m taking the counting out.

Regarding the Spanish guitar, I agree that there’s no obvious Latin visuals or tie-in. However, the music itself seems a bit more upbeat and representative of someone who enjoys life and her work. I have a few other loops (orchestral / film score) that might be better but I’ve already used them on other clips (more than once) and I try not to be too repetitive. I kind of like to experiment with using “out of place” music as long as it doesn’t convey a mood opposite of what should be there. The music in the first version was a bit bland---and maybe the repetitious Spanish guitar loop is as well, but it’s certainly a bit more upbeat.

Winrock, good question: What am I trying to sell / communicate? I guess I was trying to show the both the artists’ element (her studio) and her persona (whimsical, playful.) Not sure if either really came across. But this is just an experiment, not really a gig for a client, so I was mostly goofing around. I do agree that with serious work you ought to have your message firmly in mind before you begin work...

PeterWright, you’re right. The cuts didn’t change from the first version to match the rythym / flow of the music in the second version. I’ll work on that for the next version.

As for deShan’s obvious assets, I really am not trying to focus on them (despite the segue between the uh, “assets” to the t-shirt) but with deShan it’s unavoidable unless you shoot her exclusively from a rear angle or in C/U. She doesn’t ever wear loose-fitting clothing and everything is always kind of just THERE, in your face. Or lens, as the case may be. And I probably should omit the clip where she playfully ADJUSTS HERSELF, but again, that's a very real part of her personality. No one has to encourage her or suggest such things, she just does it. (Probably trying to get a reaction from the camera operator.)

It’s like shooting a guy with a head the size of a watermelon---you just kinda have to shoot and hope the viewer pays as much attention to everything else as they do his noggin.

Farss, yes, the light in the studio was pretty bad. All natural light. Or natural darkness. Thanks for the tip on the Spider Dolly----I’ll take a look at it!

Thanks again to everyone for all the very welcome suggestions. With luck the third, fourth, and fifth versions will be better than the first and second.

Thanks again to everyone who viewed the clip and offered very helpful input.

The 3rd, shorter, and final version is posted here:

http://www.possibilityx.com/video%20files/deshan.htm

Along with a long-winded account of what happened why.

Walter Murch won't have to fear for his job after watching this, but I think things got a little better.

It was an interesting excercise. You guys are good teachers.

I think the music was somewhat befitting the environment. First of, the walls are painted in mediterranean/hispanic colors ( I know, I'm Hispanic). There were not any items, like some type of Latin art objects, that could be tied in to the music, but at least the color of the walls do. Other than that, the video is effective at showing the lady's quirkiness/offbeatness but you could have featured more time on her artwork perhaps. Just my 2 centavos.

ReneH, mucho gracias!

Actually, the area of OKC where de Shan has her studio is called The Paseo, and the architecture is Spanish-style----though that doesn't really show in the clip (aside from the interior colors, as you say.)

Reading what you had set out to accomplish , I'd say job well done.

Considering what she is wearing I dont think there is much you can do to take focus off those, well you know. Cept for maybe the one shot of the mannequin which seems to point you right back to to her assets.

I liked it.

Yes - definitely getting there! and she is definitely gorgeous.

To be musically picky, there's more pace now, but I'd like to have seen the cutting picking up the accents of the music, which were
1 . . 4 . . . . 1 . . 4 . . . . 1 . . 4 . . . . 1 . . 4 . . . . etc.

Very curvaceous pretty lady .. Bubbly ,Who loves everyone ! ALSO happens to be a very talented artist with a liking for Painting dogs... "Message recieved"...Folks who would be interested in buying Artwork will be almost entirely focused on that side of things.. The rest is a pleasant distraction.. BUT still a distraction...

Customer presentation is very important but more In terms of Polite service... For a film that shows off Shan.. "iTs a HIT !...

As an advertisement its distracting and needs to concentrate more on service and Shans artististic abilities... Selling Stuff using beautiful Girls obviously works...Especially for selling cosmetics, cars, and stuff that panders to our egos.. But not all things are ego driven.. This I think is one ! Perhaps shots of Shan Painting at an easel with an artists smock with a zoom to the paintings instead of shans curves would focus on the Artists skill..Perhaps the low cut top could be swapped for something not so revealing BUT still shows Shan off as a beautiful women.. But perhaps a little more of a look that focuses the attention more on the Art ..Which is what ultimately puts food on the table..