Way OT.. Help needed.

mark2929 wrote on 9/22/2008, 3:48 AM
I know there are so many professional people here and thats why I'm asking for help .

These are two possible scenes from my screenplay..The video link shows the first version being crudely spoken by me. I did this to help understand how the words would be spoken.

http://www.mydeo.com/videodownload.asp?YID=1590&CID=220931

Which version do you think sounds better?

-----------------------------------
FIRST VERSION
-------------------------------------

GORMAN
The situation has been resolved.

FATHER JULIAN CASTI
You’ve got Shiri. Thank you. Thank you Gorman.
We can again do our work.

GORMAN
Well. Whatever. My opinion? I think this whole
thing stinks. A cover up by your ancient sect
for medieval gobbledegook.

FATHER JULIAN CASTI
We just want the girl and to get on with our lives.

GORMAN
Why you want her? That gives me goose bumps.
I’ll be watching Don’t let me hear of any
problems or I’ll come and get her. Understood.

FATHER JULIAN CASTI
There won’t be any.

GORMAN
Yeah well. All things considered. I’m still not happy.
(Pause.)
She’s outside.

------------------------------------------
SECOND VERSION
-----------------------------------------

FATHER JULIAN CASTI
I congratulate you and your men, Gorman.

Gorman glowers at Casti, his distaste for the Priest evident.

GORMAN
We were doing our job Father Casti. That does not
mean I’m happy about it.

FATHER JULIAN CASTI
You have returned the girl to us, now we simply
wish to get on with our lives.

GORMAN
That’s what concerns me.

Casti returns Gorman’s piercing stare with one of an innocent humble priest, but there is something menacing in the depths of his eyes.

GORMAN
That girl’s life, her welfare became my units responsibility.
That will not end because I am forced to return her to you.
Am I making myself clear, Father Casti?

Father Casti nods respectfully and rises from his chair. Gorman is clearly frustrated but shows him to the door without further comment.
----------------------------------------

Hopefully this can settle this for me!

Comments

richard-courtney wrote on 9/22/2008, 5:26 AM
Depends on if this scene is setting up the remainder of the show.
Where is the scene in the script?
mark2929 wrote on 9/22/2008, 5:44 AM
This is page 5 of a 130 page script.

:)
richard-courtney wrote on 9/22/2008, 6:05 AM
The second version is cleaner.

Page x of y only tells us the front of the booklet. What I meant was are you setting
up the story to reveal how the girl was freed or for us to discover the purpose of
sect getting the girl back?
mark2929 wrote on 9/22/2008, 6:34 AM
Gorman is letting Casti know that he suspects all is not well and that he has recovered the girl and has to hand her over, but he's not happy in doing so..

And yes its being set up to discover the reasons the sect want her back which Gorman already knows but also the revelation later on that Casti is a traiter!

Just a little more information.. Casti is an italian Priest. Gorman is head of MI6
ChrisMN wrote on 9/22/2008, 11:53 AM
I think based on your objectives you could go with either but the second one is written better.
reberclark wrote on 9/22/2008, 12:55 PM
I think the second one is better. It leaves room for the actors to work.
mark2929 wrote on 9/22/2008, 1:28 PM
http://www.mydeo.com/videodownload.asp?YID=1590&CID=220931

Is that taking into account how the words above would be spoken above? Chris and reberclark?

Thanks :)
vicmilt wrote on 9/22/2008, 1:39 PM
There are a million ways to write a scene...
I like dialog in a movie to be short and sweet.
I think your copy would be excellent in a book, but it's far too formal for video. Read your stuff out loud. Few people speak the way you have written.
And never forget that video is a visual medium. A glance - a twich - a sneer tell way more than dialog - that's what makes great actors so rare.

So I took a shot at your copy - forgive me.
================================================

FATHER JULIAN CASTI
Gorman... good job.

Gorman glowers at Casti, his distaste for the Priest evident.

GORMAN
This whole thing sucks (stinks). I'm not happy.

FATHER JULIAN CASTI
The girl's here now - let's get back to real life.

GORMAN
Yeah... right.

Casti returns Gorman’s piercing stare with one of an innocent humble priest, but there is something menacing in the depths of his eyes.

GORMAN
I'm keeping an eye on you, Father.
Is that clear??

Father Casti nods respectfully and rises from his chair. Gorman is clearly frustrated but shows him to the door without further comment.
mark2929 wrote on 9/22/2008, 2:34 PM
Hi Vicmilt

No forgiveness neccesary.. We all have our own ideas! Yours is not bad...

What I really want though is for people to choose on what they think is better from the two options! :)
mark2929 wrote on 9/23/2008, 6:24 AM
Personally I thought the first version defined the character much better and his thoughts it also revealed more about his suspicians that Casti was a traiter.. I also felt the first version would be great for an actor to get his teeth into..

However

The second version was written by an industry professional who shall remain nameless.
Coursedesign wrote on 9/23/2008, 9:43 AM
What I really want though is for people to choose on what they think is better from the two options! :)

What's wrong with improving the script further? Or are you only looking to find a style that works?

My thinking: a script is finished when the actors are off on the next project and no longer available.

(That's the Hollywood way, and I think that's the way it needs to be in many cases.)
mark2929 wrote on 9/23/2008, 10:04 AM
What's wrong with improving the script further? Or are you only looking to find a style that works?

I want to be my best and be able to compete. Im testing to see what people think.. My view is one is direct and to the point. The other is about character.. If everyone was to the point and direct this would be a stereotype.. I want to be original but not criticised for bad dialogue because its not straight forward. An awkward line to tread but then script readers look for any excuse to throw your work into the round filing cabinet..

My thinking: a script is finished when the actors are off on the next project and no longer available.

Now you got my full agreement on that one.. In my opinion the dialogue needs rewriting to suit the actors style and a real understanding once readthroughs the sets are built and rehearsals start...
mark2929 wrote on 9/24/2008, 4:14 AM
Okay I have now acted out BOTH ways which makes it a level playing field..

http://www.mydeo.com/videodownload.asp?YID=813&CID=221784

Which version do you think is best!
craftech wrote on 9/24/2008, 8:39 AM
I think you have them backwards in that clip, but I liked the first one better (which is the first one above, but the second one in your clip).

The dialog for the characters seems better suited to who they are. It is more straight forward and less wordy. Both men are intelligent so in my mind they would keep it simple and assume the other knows exactly what they were saying.

John
mark2929 wrote on 9/24/2008, 2:41 PM
Thanks John that helps a lot!
reberclark wrote on 9/24/2008, 7:18 PM
"http://www.mydeo.com/videodownload.asp?YID=1590&CID=220931

Is that taking into account how the words above would be spoken above? Chris and reberclark?

Thanks :)"

I listened to the video. As an audioplay it [the first script] works great! However, with the added dimension of video action, I think that the second one would get the point across and leaves room for closeups on eyes and mouths, two-shots, and actor movement, not to mention any character "tics" or mannerisms the actors may contribute.

One suggestion on your excellently recorded auido - did you use a pop screen? There is one plosive that sticks in my mind.
mark2929 wrote on 9/25/2008, 12:50 AM
Hi Reberclark

Thanks for that!

The opinion I'm froming is the first vocal on the audio looks better on paper and the second version is better for the actors..

This leaves a real problem for a script writer who do you write for? The actor or the script reader?

Edit: Did I use a pop screen? No just a sennheiser 416 mic!
reberclark wrote on 9/25/2008, 7:42 AM
It would seem to me (but I am a music writer not a play- or screen-writer) that you write for the actors and write to the story. It's a temporal art, so those that deliver the action/words in time are who you give the advantage and challenges to. There is an equilateral triangle of "powers" in music: the Conductor (Director), the Player (Actor), and the Composer (Writer), all have equally important jobs and must know the jobs of the other two if one wants the strongest performance from the group. I use the same approach in my visual work.
mark2929 wrote on 9/25/2008, 7:46 AM
Yes I agree. But the problem is getting your work past the scriptreaders and bypassing the round filing cabinet!
reberclark wrote on 9/25/2008, 1:23 PM
Ahh...so you're selling the script. Okay I didn't understand that before - I thought you were wondering which to shoot! Okay, when I first approached publishers (who employ people who initially read or proof material - analogous to scriptreaders I guess) I put my self in the guy's shoes who gets 100s of scores a day. Also I had some advice that even if it was the best piece in the world if the copy was not clean they would toss it. So what would I want to hear and how would I like it delivered/presented? If your sole goal is acceptance then know who you are submitting to and write to their taste. If your goal is to get your script up there intact then write from your gut and submit submit submit. All scripts get altered after acceptance anyway and they continually evolve through the process. Hope this helped. Best of luck!
mark2929 wrote on 9/25/2008, 2:08 PM
Thanks Reberclark yes that helps a lot. Thanks for your great help!

Mark