Way Way OT - Moral Question

MickF wrote on 7/3/2005, 4:53 PM
Hi all,

I've just been through one of the saddest weekends I've ever experienced. My wifes Dad got married on Friday & I was asked to take the video of the day. Both Bride & Groom have had tough times with bereavements, hardship, etc.

The day was wonderful and a brand new start for them both, then a terrible tragedy struck as the grooms father suffered a heart attack at the wedding reception, and died on the way to hospital. He was a very lovable and sprightly 83 year old gentleman & I have lots of footage of him throughout the day, including a beautiful slow creeping zoom full frame 20 sec. shot taken about 15 mins before he collapsed.

For my Grandad-in-Law, it was a good way to go; he rarely suffered illness; he was at the wedding of his last child to say "I do"; he was surrounded by family & friends; he put down his beer to light a cigarette, and collapsed. When my time comes I pray for something similar, but for his family, and especially the wedded couple, it is a terrible time.

I guess the question I ask is: How in God's name do I put this video together? I want to give them something that is not too sad, yet remembers what happened.

Every year, when their anniversary comes 'round, they wil have both fantastic and horrible memories. I would like this video to lift their hearts if possible yet provide a commemoration of all that happened.

I don't want this to be a depressing post. I would rather weave a celebration of his life and passing with the rest of the footage. I just have no idea how to do it.

All suggestions will be gratefully accepted.

Thanks to all who read this.

Mick

Comments

p@mast3rs wrote on 7/3/2005, 5:02 PM
First and foremost, all of you are in my heart and prayers and I am very sorry for your loss. I would ask them what they would want you to do with regards to the footage. Personally, if it were me, I would want it in there even under the circumstances. Then that way every year when they celebrate, they can also take the time to remember the impact and smiles he gave them.

Again, I would ask them before you do anything. Chances are they will want him in it as this turned out to be a day that effected the rest of their lives in more ways then one.

PossibilityX wrote on 7/3/2005, 5:07 PM
Mick:

So sorry to hear of this tragedy.

You have a tough job ahead of you.

I tried imagine myself in the role of the family. And what I decided was, if it was my father, I would be very happy someone was there with a camera catching shots of Dad on his last day on the planet, and on such a happy occasion.

You might have the makings of two videos---one a traditional wedding video and the other a tribute to your Grandad-in-law.

Your task requires greater than usual creativity, because of the extraordinary circumstances.

In the days to come, maybe you can make gentle inquiries of family members. My guess is, most people would probably want to have every (reasonable) shot possible of your Grandad-in-law included, just as if the tragedy hadn't occurred.

Sorry I can't provide more specific tips. Perhaps you can keep us posted. Certainly this is a very unusual circumstance that presents special challenges for an editor and family member.

Best wishes---
John
johnmeyer wrote on 7/3/2005, 6:33 PM
I also send my condolences.

I was faced with a similar situation when doing a tribute to the senior high school class. Several of the students had died in the past few years due to auto accidents, one fairly recently. While several months had elapsed since the death -- which is different from your situation where the death has just happened -- my approach was to include a few shots of the departed, but not to feature them, and to include those shots in segments of the video that were "away" from the main events.

I briefly thought of doing a short "tribute" segment to those that had died, but thought it would change the character of the whole thing which, like your video, was primarily something to document a joyous occasion. I also thought about not including them at all, but I talked to several students and parents, and they all felt strongly that they should definitely be included because they were part of the "family" and part of what the students experienced.

Again, this isn't exactly the same as what you are facing, but it is similar enough that perhaps my experience could be helpful in getting you comfortable with an approach that will work for your situation.

Good luck!
WedVidMan wrote on 7/3/2005, 11:20 PM
Take camera back in hand and finish the story for them. You need video of the funeral service, and all gathered at the grave site. If the grave marker is there, zoom/fade on the marker, then transition to past video of him, upbeat video...he seemed, from just the bit of info you gave, upbeat...tell the story as such. Fade out, back to the cemetary, with the mourners leaving the cemetary. Sorry for your loss. One of our supervisors was killed in an home accident yesterday, so.....
Serena wrote on 7/3/2005, 11:57 PM
This is difficult to make any useful comments without knowing your family. What is their attitude to death, religion, etc?
Death is part of life. What a way to go! A long life just turned off at a great time.
My own approach to the production would be unaltered by his death - he was enjoying himself, he was there for a great family ocassion, so cutting his participation would seem to me to further remove him from the life everyone wants to remember. In your place I'd want him included to the full extent. I doubt that he'd want you to include him collapsing and all the medical emergency stuff, should you have covered that. A wedding is a beginning. Things are sad for relatives and friends left, but not for your Grandpa-in-Law. There is a well known film that included weddings and a funeral, but in this case I reckon I'd keep them separate.

There are belief systems where the name and image of the recently dead are not to be mentioned or seen. So really, none of us can offer you anything but our personal views. I would suggest you make this a family discussion. Remember also, in a year or two people will be pleased to see him included.
rmack350 wrote on 7/4/2005, 12:22 AM
When they watch the video in later years they'll remember him and want to see shots of him enjoying himself. Include that.

Remember that it's a wedding video. It's not about rushing him off to the hospital and it's not about his passing away. While you have to acknowledge that he passed away, you don't have to feature it.

Personally, I'd discuss it with them, if you can. My first inclination would be to find an ending before his heart attack and put a text note or even a dedication at the end of the tape to acknowledge his passing. But focus the story on a positive message. I can't see any point in turning a wedding video that ought to rekindle happy memories into a tearjerker. It's just not the point.

Rob Mack
WedVidMan wrote on 7/4/2005, 1:57 AM
I'm sorry. I was assuming that one would do the wedding that would include all who attended, and another separate memorial video.
MickF wrote on 7/4/2005, 3:36 AM
Thanks to all of you for all the kind words and suggestions.

I think the best thing to do is wait until the funeral is over and have a discussion with them as suggested. I like the idea of the two seperate videos.

Thank you all again.

Mick.
wolfbass wrote on 7/4/2005, 6:55 AM
I play Over 35's soccer. 3 Weeks ago, a 64 year old guy died at one of the games on an adjacent field.

At half time in our game, the ref asked us: Did we want to continue our game, due to the death on the other field?

I asked the ref, and the other players:'What would Bill (The guy who died) have wanted to do?' The answer: He died doing what he loved, and he would have said to us - Carry on!

So, my response to your question would be: What would the family want you to do?

I think they would want to remember a happy day of a marriage, and also reflect on a tribute to a loved one enjoying his last day of many.

Good luck with what ever way you go. I'm sure you'll handle it with Tact and dignity.
JohnnyRoy wrote on 7/4/2005, 7:19 AM
First, condolences on your loss to you and your family.

There are several members of my family in my wedding video (of 15 years ago) that are no longer with us, including my beloved father. When we watch the video, we can’t get enough of the shots of my aunts and uncles and father. It is nice to see them laughing and dancing and having a good time. That’s what a wedding video should be about. A celebration of life.

Here is my suggestion: Cut the video as you normally would but make sure there is a fair amount Grandad-in-Law in there but don’t overdo it. Cut it just as if he had not died. Then do a separate memorial video as a special feature. That gives them the option of watching them both, just watching the memorial, or just watching the wedding and having happy thoughts.

~jr
RichMacDonald wrote on 7/6/2005, 9:44 PM
>Cut the video as you normally would but make sure there is a fair amount Grandad-in-Law in there but don’t overdo it. Cut it just as if he had not died. Then do a separate memorial video as a special feature. That gives them the option of watching them both, just watching the memorial, or just watching the wedding and having happy thoughts.

Lots of good comments, but especially this one. A wedding is a happy event, so keep it this way. Watching it will be bittersweet already, so no need to rub it in or burden the video with any references beyond the on-camera wedding moments. The main issue is whether to place the special clip in the wedding video or the memorial video. Can't say until you try it. If you do put it in the wedding video, put it towards the end. Nothing wrong with putting it in both places.

After editting the wedding video as if the death never took place, step back and decide if it needs to be heavier. Convince yourself it doesn't. View it as if the death didn't happen then view it again as if the death did happen. Is it ok both ways? If so, move on to the memorial video.

Personally, I'd want to watch my wedding video and see the great final moments of Grandad-in-law in that element. It was my wedding! He was happy! I would not want to continue on and watch a wretched funeral/memorial video in order to see that footage. Not right after watching the wedding. The best the wedding video will leave me feeling is happy/sad. The best the wedding-then-memorial video will leave me feeling is that I've just been to a funeral.

P.S. These things do happen together more often than we think and you're lucky you have the archive of the good moment. That's an incredibly lucky and precious capture that is likely to be the family's signature thought/memory of him down the road. I had one cousin die on the way to another cousin's funeral and there wasn't anything good to say about that. At least it didn't ruin a wedding, though :-/

P.P.S Not in the slightest bit OT, IMHO.