What's brown and sounds like a bell?




Dung!

Funny..

When Celine Dion walkes into the bar they also said: "Why the long face?"


What is the difference between a dog on the back porch howling and a woman on the front porch screaming and yelling?
When you let the dog in it shuts up!

gr mark

How do you stop a skunk smelling?



Hold its nose.

[ One here for Torsie . . ]

Tuner: I've come to tune your piano.

Mr Smith: But I didn't send for you.

Tuner: No, your neighbours did.

Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?





At a jungle sale

Why did the golfer wear an extra pair of trousers?





In case he got a hole in one

[ This I really like. he he he . .. ]


Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?




A mince spy!

Here's a true story for Grazie (one of the seven, but witch):

Theatrical orchestra having a break.
The theatre owner comes in.
"I'm thinking of selling the piano. What do you think I can get for it?"
Pianist: "You ought to get a 6 month sentence for it."

Tor

HAH! - Like it! Like it! Like it! - G

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

HAH! - kameronj, totally, totally silly . . my type of humour . . great stuff!!

Grazie

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender, with a smirk on his face, takes advantage of the situation..."uhh, that'll be $10".
The gorilla pays the bartender and sips quietly on his beer.
The bartender, amazed at the gorillas' abilities strolls over to the gorilla and says "you know, we don't get much of your kind in here".
The gorilla looks up and says "I can see why at $10 a beer!"

Not only do I know that Bar --- I'll tell you why. . . . the Primate tipped me the wink about the prices - Outrageous!!! - Just because it's Christmas too! - HAH!

Grazie

A guy comes home to find a gorilla on the roof of his garage, so he calls a private gorilla catcher. The gorilla catcher shows up twenty minutes later, steps out of his truck and starts unloading his gear which consists of a pole, a net, a pit-bull and a .45. The home owner seeing the odd assortment of gear asks what it's for. The gorilla catcher explains, "This is how it works, I go up on the roof and use the pole to push the gorilla off the roof, he (the gorilla) falls off, and as soon as he hits the ground the pit bull immobilizes him by biting his nuts, then I come down, throw the net over the gorilla and take him away." The man, clearly impressed says "Wow, that's cool - what happens if YOU fall off the roof?” The Gorilla catcher hands the man the .45 and says "That's where you come in". :-P

Shawn

By following this simple advice, I have finally found Inner Peace: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So, I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished...and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of JackDaniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates, and a pizza.

You have no idea how good I feel right now.

Drummer jokes....


Q - How can you tell when the drum stage is level?
A - There is drool running out of BOTH sides of the drummers mouth



Q - What do you say to a drummer wearing a three-piece suit?
A - "Will the defendent please rise?"

Okay... here goes...

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?





A stick.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now for something completely different...

How long is a piece of string? True or False

Is it quicker to Montreal or by bus?

Merry Christmas
(o o)
L
(-------)

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

This one may get me in trouble....but it's just a joke, I promise....


Q - How are a terrorist and a female singer different?

A - A terrorist knows how to setup his own gear

Two old Soviets were arguing about the weather one day.
Finally, Rudy's wife said: "Rudolph, the Red knows rain, dear!"

Happy Holidays,
Brandon's Dad

Rule Britannia....

You have to be very proud to be British because...

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the
back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a
DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive
and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a Skating rink.

http://svt.se/svt/articles/6000-6099/6042/lips020228.ram

Thanks for bringing this all into "Focus" by posting your ironic comments above.

IMHO you have brought brevity and sanity to what was a light and frothy thread. Heaven knows where it could have ended up?!? Y'know Zcheema, I'll shall always now think of you as a sensible, valuable influence on this Forum. I recognise your honesty. Maybe I should have realised this when I started the thread off in the first place.

. . .hmmmm....

. . grazie :-(